Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
