Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
