The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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