I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
