Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
