New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
