I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
