I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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