my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i think i just lost a toe
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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