I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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