he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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