I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
