I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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