i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
