Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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