my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
