I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
