if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
