You just made me feel so damn special
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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