I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
