saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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