Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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