Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
