first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
