I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I still have a little drunk in my system
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
