If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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