Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
