I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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