May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
