cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
