so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
