I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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