i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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