My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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