i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
