i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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