I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
