Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
