He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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