when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Did I show you my penis last night?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
