sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
