yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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