I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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