I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
