i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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