i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
