I think my vagina is haunted
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
