I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
