wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
