We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
