I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Randomize
