So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize