I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
