Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
