that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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