i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
