You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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